Yes, it sucks! There’s a lot for you to come to terms with. This is often referred to as “D-day.” It really and truly sucks and unfortunately this is just the beginning.
There is a long, hard road ahead of you, no matter which direction you want to take, so get ready for a bumpy ride. It will get worse, much worse before it gets better. However, don’t get too doom and gloom, I promise you, if you follow the correct steps and proven methods outlined in this post, you will get through it, and you will be better off and happier afterwards.
This, too, shall pass.
Through the following few days and weeks, you are going to learn all kinds of terms “trickle truth”, “love bombing” and “hyper bonding” to name a few, these are just some of the things cheating spouses do after being caught cheating.
Unfortunately, it’s very very likely that your cheating spouse has only given you a tiny sliver of the truth. The cheaters creed is to “deny, lie and deny.”
Your world has been hit with a nuclear bomb, and things will never be the same. BUT, here are the 9 steps to follow, to ensure you learn from the experience, grow from it, be better off after it, so hopefully you never get hit by the same thing again.
So, here’s what you do now.
1. Don’t avoid your emotions.
Although a night out with friends or family is good, too much alcohol can cause you to either go into drunk-depression or a drunk anger fueled revenge mission where you do not think logically and actions taken then can have lasting effects. So mostly avoid alcohol and never drink on emotions.
The worst however is totally giving over to drinking or substance abuse to numb the pain or try and forget what has happened to you. All that will do, is hide the emotions or pain, and repress them. Remember that repressed emotions always surface later on and even more intensely or worse. So the best way to deal with your emotions is to feel them, recognize and acknowledge them, feel them deeply and let them out. They will pass quickly after that moment, and doing so every time an emotion returns, will help you to speed up the full recovery process. Just be sure to feel your emotions in private, as the world and especially your spouse that cheated does not deserve to see you cry, so go cry and scream and shout and punch alone in a room into a pillow if you need to.
2. Don’t leave the house but separate physically.
Do not just move out or leave the house, but separate physically, maybe a spare bedroom.This is part of the no-contact process, and whether you want to heal from the pain, work on the relationship and stay in the marriage after the affair, or if you want to heal, grow, leave them and move on, this is the best course of action for both those outcomes, as it gives you the power back to grow and think and take action on your own terms.
3. Get into counseling ASAP.
Like yesterday.
First start with individual counseling, as you first need to be able to talk about it, work through your feelings, thoughts and emotions and get through the no-contact period and ultimately first decide for yourself if you want to carry on staying in the marriage and work through it with your spouse, or leave and carry on with your own life before you can consider couples counseling or marriage counseling.
4. Start working out.
Even if you don’t lift weights, walking, running, rowing, yoga, racket sports or any physical training is good for you, but ultimately the aim is to strain your nervous system. For this, you need to go heavy or intense, so either heavy lifting and weight training, or high intensity sprinting type cardio like crossfit. Straining your nervous system, is not only proven to reduce stress throughout the rest of the week when you are not training, but it also requires such mental focus and nervous system engagement, that you truly struggle to think of anything other than what you are doing or the weight you are lifting at that very moment. Remember that the focus is not just on the heavy, but also on the correct form.
This will have two benefits. Firstly, it will help you improve your health, and body appearance and shape, helping you become a better version of yourself and growing, and secondly, it will help get your mind off the emotions and pain you are going through, and help relieve the stress and anxiety caused by the infidelity.
If you do not want your spouse back, then it will help you become more attractive overall to possible future partners, but will also improve your own self-confidence.
If you do want your spouse back, this will help you improve your self-confidence and shape so they will notice you and be more attracted to you. Not only the looks, but also the commitment and drive you have in sticking too it.
5. Don’t tell anyone your problems.
Telling someone about your problems, is what counseling is for, so go to counseling as soon as possible to ensure you get educated feedback and responses to your musings and questions.
Although family or friend sometimes do truly care for your problems, the truth is everybody has their own problems, and each persons own problems take top priority to themselves, this is the survival instinct we were are born and evolved with. What’s more, it is often hard to determine who truly has your best interests at heart and who is just nice on the surface, so half the people in your life may often be glad you are having those problems as it makes them feel better about themselves.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone;
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
6. Cut all communication with them unless it about the kids/finances/emergencies.
He / She is not on your team anymore. At least not for now.
So going no-contact is the best thing to do right away, both if you want to stay in the relationship or if you want to leave. It takes control for yourself and your choice of staying in the relationship back into your own hands. It reignite your attraction to your spouse, as it is scientifically proven that women or partners as more attracted to people who’s feelings are unclear. It also brings your energy back to yourself, and increases your own value and worth.
7. Don’t make any other decisions about anything.
Making rash decision during an emotional time is not a good idea. We all know that intense emotion clouds our judgement and biases our reasoning, so any important decision taken during such a time, are not well-thought through, and can have lasting negative consequences.
First follow through with your counseling so you and your counselor can work through it together, until you get to a point where you are emotionally strong and centered enough to rationally think, and consider all aspects and possible consequences for each major decision you will take. Get your values in order, find your life purpose, then only, consider your decisions. I truly recommend this book by Mark Manson to help get your values discovered and in order:
8. There are books about how to recover from cheating. But both people have to be willing.
It takes two people to go into a relationship, but only one to leave it. So you can try all you want to make it work, or read all the relationship books in the world, if one of the two do not truly want to make it work, it wont. That being said, here are the books I recommend you read to help you recover from it, understand it, and be better off for it.
9. They’ve shown you who they really are – believe them
Generally after the age of 21, a person’s worldviews, personality and autonomous values are fixed, and people do not really change after that. This is why criminal offenders are more often repeat offenders, and why cheaters mostly cheat again. Change can happen, but it usually only occurs after massive trauma, and only if that person grows from that trauma and truly wants to change. This is not to say that they will cheat again, but it remains a fact that they are now officially a cheater, a person that given the right set of circumstance, will cheat, as they have.
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
Maya Angelou
How to heal after being cheated on
The 9 steps highlighted above are the best methods and process to heal after being cheated on.
How to stop overthinking after being cheated on
Central nervous system straining exercise is the best method on getting your stress and anxiety in check in the short terms, and also to get your mind off the cheating and using that pain or anger as fuel to improve yourself and your body. Thereafter the rest of the steps highlighted in this post will help with the long-term healing needed to get your mind and thoughts in line and positive again.
How to get over being cheated on
The steps above will help you not only get over it, but also move on from it and grow form being cheated on.
How being cheated on changes you
When you follow the correct process of the 9 steps, you will not only learn and grow from the event and pain, but also be better off for it.
How to heal after being cheated on and stay together
Firstly by following the 9 step process, you will heal and take back control of your mind, your life and your reasoning, then you can clearly decide if you want to stay together, thereafter you can take the steps of increasing your value and attraction so you can better your own chances of staying together after being cheated on.
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